seven sins : suoıʇɔıppɐ ǝuıu

was this worth it?

it's now seven hours to flight time.

the revelation was strange. my heart feels heavy.

is he happy? perhaps. am i sad? perhaps.

would he have been better for me? perhaps.

but i guess, i'll never know for sure now, will i?

the decision has been made.

you make me laugh.

thank you for making the effort. i really needed it.

septic

today i'm feeling uncomfortable.

hotmail is my closet, and i've just uncovered the skeletons of the murdered that i buried a long time ago.

i accidentally clicked into the oldest folder full of horrible, totally-forgotten (for good reason) secrets while searching for an email just now. and can i say... damn it.

i was such a bitch in my teens. i mean to say, i still remember that i was an awful person who screwed people up, manipulated feelings and caused trouble just because i could do it when i felt like it. which is why i've always told people i hate the secondary school period of my life.

but until today, i'd already forgotten exactly what i did then.

to people. to myself.

i pushed those memories far, far behind into the cobwebbed corners of my mind, that they became but fuzzy images i might have stored from watching TV or something.

i burned all my old diaries in the hope that i would never have to read or remember what i did, and how i used to think. i threw away everything from that period of time in my life.

i did everything i could; only i forgot about this one folder.

have i ever gotten over the person i used to be?

sometimes i wonder if i'm still that girl; have i changed, or is she just hiding?

waiting, for the right moment.

god, i remember her, now.

why is technology doing this to me?

if it's so smart, why doesn't it delete history on its own. fuck.

(the irony, i'm breaking resolution number 3 already.)

fuck it. arghhh.

shit like this always has to happen on days i don't have the time for it.

shell

i don't know what to do.

i'm tired of myself.

well, i promised reflections for 2009, and i'm gonna do it. i've been putting it off for too long, and at this rate i won't be done with it until it's almost 2011. maybe, i'll adjust my resolutions a little too. they're a tad unrealistic at the moment. (quitting alcohol was a battle utterly lost last year; i wonder what resolution can ever be more realistic than that...) perhaps, i should just declare habits and sins for which i will never make resolutions to abstain from. it would probably make a lot more sense.

i know what i don't want; i just don't know what i want.

2008 & 2009

let me start with whether or not i kept the resolutions i made for 2009: in case you haven't guessed - no, i didn't, i didn't keep a single one. anyway, i was so peeved with my life in 2008 i didn't even reflect on it and decided to commit to only three things: to stop the foolish alcohol-induced mistakes, to stop late nights out, and to basically just grow up. but i remember late nights out last year with full intention of rebelling against my alcohol resolution - so tell me, how can it be that i've grown up...

the good thing about 2009 was that i passed RIBA.

oh all right... i'll stop being so negative for the moment - many good things happened lah. except for the fact that i didn't like my RIBA tutor, and for a particularly tough period of twelve weeks in the middle of the year, everything else went pretty much a-OK. i met and got to know a new batch of kids on the block, and a few considerable friendships were forged. through some incidents, i also began to comprehend what 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' was.

i stamped and sealed a decision i had already made back in 2008 but could only go through with after RIBA: to switch to the landscape architecture track. it was probably the best decision i had ever made in my life... i cannot undo the one i made to join architecture back in 2005, but at least i can make the best of what's left. even though i still don't think landscape architecture is my calling, i enjoy it much more here. i will be honest; the fact that i'm doing better in LA than i did in architecture (so far) is also a big plus. i complain about my landscape tutor, but i really think he beats most architecture ones hands down (thank you OBL, for backstabbing me). so yeah. i should stop being so calculative with him. ah.

thank you, to all my friends for helping me pull through one of the most arduous periods of my life. RIBA IP on top of the bridging course was bloody icing on the poisoned cake, but because of my helpful MLA studio mates, beloved archi-mates from my own batch, and support from wonderful family and non-archi friends, i bit the bullet and charged on. without all the encouragement, moral and physical support, i would never have gone through with it. i have never been one to split my attention between different things because i want to focus and give my best to just one so that it can be perfect. so, left on my own, i'd probably have given up on one or the other. yup, i'm thankful that everything worked out in the end, although i was pretty upset with the results at one point of time because i thought i would have done better had i been able to allocate more time for each. ah well.

i've learnt from my past mistakes. or well, i'd like to think i have. in fact, i would like to unlearn some experiences and feelings that are already imbued in me and kick into automatic mode whenever i meet with a similar situation. those in the know will be able to figure out which aspect of my life i'm trying to describe now. i want to be more mature about it (xin says i am, but i suppose it's because i'm more reticent about it and not because my set of principles has developed any).

so yeah. official resolutions for the year 2010:

1. learn how to say "no",

2. and not feel guilty about it.

3. use rude words less often.

4. think positive and just be happy.

5. mind over matter.

6. control wild thoughts and temper.

7. eat and sleep regularly and healthily.

8. alcohol in moderation.

9. tighten purse strings (and less reliance on bumblebee).

nine is a good number, aye?

i should live my life for myself and not for others.

the danger is always that you become overly dependent on someone else...

oh, the sad thing about love in Life: that you just can't be.

等

其实，我开始觉得自己很可怕。

停

the question has no right answers; but that doesn't mean it has no wrong ones.

将来若有别人对你好，而让你产生好感或有心动... 对不起，我接受不了。

这并不在于你有没有，还是会不会对她做出任何表示或举动的问题... 对我而言，这已经是感情上的背叛。

也许这个要求不切实。但是我是这么想：如果我做得到，我实在不可能了解你那种心态。难道除了你，就没有其他人对我特别好吗？难道只有你才那么有魅力让别人情不自禁爱上你吗？难道说，我没遇过比你更合拍的男人吗？

事实是残酷的。以上的问题，答案都是《不》。今时今日，你并不是对我最好的人；或可以这么说，你不是对我最好的男人。你也并不是我现在唯一所有的恋爱选择。合拍的事我们不需要商量你也该晓得。

如果你觉得遇上那种对你好，或跟你很合拍的人而产生没表示的心动是 OK 的，那我可以跟你说：担心的应该是你，而不是我了。如果我放纵，允许自己对别人心动... 机会我可有的多了。

你好好地去想吧；到底我在什么情况下的 "心动" ，是你可以接受的？

但愿你记住：对别人心动的你，我不要了。

down

Lariam is killing me.

almost.

my heart keeps beating so fast every few minutes.

breathless.

dizzy.

nauseous.

i wonder what's worse.

to be infected with malaria or to live with the side effects of the pills.

two rights don't always make a right.

if there are no actions to be seen, then there are only words to be heard.
taken out of context, it seems a little confounding. but it echoes what i feel now. i really hope that you will understand what i mean. this is why words affect me so much - it's the next best gauge that i have because your actions still don't show me anything.

feeling kinda numb right now.
feelingless huh.
i'm beginning to hate the word. i'm glad you don't use it anymore.

i still owe this space my reflections for 2009. zzz.
shall do that in the next post.

again and again

已经开学了。感觉有点怪怪的。

其实我真的不懂... 在朋友面前的我们，应该有所表现或保留？

好啦，我说得太多了。不知情的人还是别浪费时间瞎猜吧... 有时，无知也是种幸福。

两年前的我曾表明说：我追求安全感，却又不相信会有任何人可以给与我那种感觉。今日，我还是摆脱不了这个矛盾。也许，我实在不适合交往，谈恋爱。也许，我的要求真的太过高。也许，我这一辈子也不会相信他对我的确是真心的。也许，我永远都不会找到那种肯为了给我安全感，而付出任何代价的人。

人生怎么那么多 “也许” 呀...

我可以爱他，却又不信任他。那还算是爱吗？

他叫我不要想太多。如果可以的话，我跟前男友就不会分手了。难道我是故意委屈自己委屈他，而天天胡思乱想吗？

不。

我只不过受过两次很重的教训... 女人在感情上无论是哪方面，都难免比较吃亏。男人就是能那么容易地放弃，放开，放下；一旦说走，还真的可以拍拍屁股就离开耶。尽管我给了所有，都挽不回感情，保不了他的心。到最后，剩下的只是残酷的事实：我一切的一切，都还不够。

不够，不够...

我就只有这么多，所以败给了无数的别人。

我讨厌我就只有这么多。我讨厌无奈的感觉。我讨厌我不够好。我讨厌他将来会对别人心动的可能性。我讨厌想那么多。我讨厌谈恋爱的我。我讨厌自己。

我讨厌... 忍不住要保护自己感受的我。

spotted.

why does the whole world seem to be in orchard on saturdays? :|

if i want to hide it, we shouldn't go to town. period.

lesson learnt.

turn-off

我对你的大道理没兴趣。

watchnapping (:

it is days like these that make me feel a little better.

the world doesn't end even if your other half cheats on you.

because there really are other fishes in the sea.

even when he lets you down after he's already become the world to you,

one day, you will get over the betrayal.

you will always be able to find someone better.

what is yours will be yours... what isn't, isn't worth brooding over.

sometimes, i just need to remember this.

SOS

GH i need you i need you i need you i need you. :(

don't test my limits.

"i will love you if you love me. i won't if you don't."

you are so selfish.

you really don't deserve to be in love or be in a relationship.

if you push me aside and let me walk away now,

just know that it is for forever.

i never turn back to salvage something the other party doesn't want...

i never will.

you can love me as a friend.

but not any more than that.

i hope i didn't do anything to lead you on and make you feel this way.

we're still friends, nothing will change the many years of friendship we have.

i just don't love you the way you love me.

i'm sorry... i really am.

我们还是朋友。

everything's okay.

don't ask me what happened.

the (unintended) mystery will unravel itself in due course...

please just let this christmas be a happy one.

vice

gotta stop sneezing and coughing.
lemsip caplets not working.
i'm going nuts.
i'm tired. really tired. of thinking too much.
i'm sick because i haven't been sleeping well,
and now that i'm sick i can't sleep well.

isn't this the most vicious cycle.

this is stupid. i think my mum hid the olfa.
doesn't she know i can get them anywhere???

walking away.

i'm always being told that they are not worth the physical damage i do to myself.

but you know what - i think they're not worth the hideous hurt i feel inside, not worth the crying, not worth tearing myself up. not worth the sleepless nights, not worth the worrying, not worth the self-blame, not worth the wasted time. and if i can transfer it all into one simple line, everything is so much easier.

my feelings are sacred. after tonight, i will tell you this much...

you're just another scar on my arm, nothing more.

drawing. blood.

having a goal makes everything so much easier.

staying focused on that one thing to achieve... lets you think of nothing else.

truth be told, i started guitar lessons only to keep shiji company. not that he actually needs my companionship, but. yeah. so for the first week, i wasn't really that enthusiastic even though i'd wanted to learn the instrument for some time... if not for drum lessons last year, i'd have pursued the guitar, since mummy doesn't allow me to start violin lessons until i'm out of uni. the guitar seems to be the distraction of choice, huh.

then, i happened to hear 夜曲 by jay chou again... and i totally fell in love with the guitar. i think i will have bleeding fingers soon, from attempting to perfect the song's intro. my fingertips are so swollen and tender that it hurts even when i'm not touching anything. i play it late into the night; playing the guitar is the first thing i want to do when i wake up; i'm hugging it right now as i type this, and have been doing so for the past few hours. and i can't stop it.

i want the pain because there is solace in it. it keeps my mind from wandering.

in a sense, the two types of pain are similar... they both remind me that i'm alive.

the rush of blood to the heart when the bolt of pain strikes, and the immediate relief when i (decide to) lift my fingers from the strings. i am addicted to the awareness of the control i have; i am the master of how much i feel.

only this time, the scars will be laced with innocence.

(i use the verb with full consciousness of its negative connotation.)

i've come to terms with the fact that i may never be able to rid myself of the obsession.

i can always hide it away and suppress it, but never... conquer it.

loves

i MSNed with my brother today!!! wahahahaha, i'm damn happy now okay!! :) :)

so silly right. but still. :) :) :)

ebb

i will get something done this holiday, i swear.

some of the below, if not all.

1. learn more songs for the piano.

2. learn the guitar.

3. edit and complete FTLOM. (and think of a better title.)

4. remake《陪我》with garageband. (sorry WQ! who is reminded every morning that i'm currently one year behind time because he set the melody as his alarm, gasp!)

5. read at least one good book.

6. sew something, anything. haha.

7. christmas list. :|

8. forgive myself. for everything i did in 2008 that i couldn't bring myself to forgive last year.